I run a project dedicated to helping people grow and make changes in their life.
This is especially funny because I may be worse at growth and change than anyone I’ve ever known.
I’m stubborn. I fight against change. I fight against reason, and against the odds. I make decisions that result in my back being against the wall, forced to make the change I should never have fought against in the first place.
I’m a slow learner.
I joke about this with friends, but it’s true. Some (delusional) part of me still believes I that if I can summon enough will, I don’t have to play by the rules and patterns that govern my life.
So, I fight.
Fighting against change feels easier than actually making change happen, so I fight.
This often turns out badly.
I think I struggle with change because it’s painful. Change brings up fear. Am I going to regret this? Can I make this work? What if this is the wrong path? What if I make things worse? Fear.
Discomfort and vulnerability are there too, keeping good company with fear. I’m not good at any of those things. Not as good as I am at fighting.
So, I fight, and things stay the same. This rarely makes my life better.
A few times, I have found myself at a crossroads, confronted with a choice. To step into the unknown and embrace uncertainty and change and growth, or to cling to the past and what I know and fight for my comfort zone.
It’s a cliche to say that growth only happens outside of your comfort zone. It’s also true.
I remember two of these moments. Exactly where I was sitting, what I was thinking and feeling. I was terrified. I felt sick. But I knew I couldn’t keep fighting against change.
The last time this happened was a few months ago. Someone asked me a question, a pretty serious question, and my instinct was to blow it off. To make a joke or deflect it. To answer the question would be taking a risk.
I remember thinking in that moment, “Stop. Just stop. Take a breath. This moment is critical. This moment isn’t about the question. It isn’t about the answer. This moment, this fear and discomfort and this urge to fight… this is about something more.”
I sat there and thought about what to do. I realized I was at a crossroads. I wasn’t just deciding what to say. I was deciding what kind of person I was. I was deciding who I was at my core. Was I someone who runs from discomfort and fear and the ugly truth, or was I someone who took risks in the face of uncertainty.
That one moment, it wasn’t the most important moment of my life. But it was probably the most important moment of my year.
I chose the harder thing. I chose to strip off my armor, drop my sword and stop fighting. It felt terrible and vulnerable, like giving up. It was the right decision. It led to an important change for me. In that one moment, I decided something different about who I am. I hated doing it, but immediately knew I would not regret it.
It took 20 seconds of courage to make that harder choice. To stop fighting against the thing I needed to do. And my life has been different because of it. Because I arrived at a crossroad and did something new.
The ripple effect of that moment has been a lot bigger than I could have imagined. It’s brought me to more crossroads, more opportunities to choose the hard thing. And for the first time in a long time, I’m not fighting against uncertainty. I still don’t love it, but I’m not letting my fear stop me anymore.
The fight against change and growth is a fight you should lose on purpose.
I know that. I don’t live up to it every day. I’m stubborn and slow to learn. Seriously, you can’t imagine how slow I learn. But I know it’s true. I know that I should throw that fight as fast as possible.
And so should you.
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